Great Expectations
by kiwi wiki
Summary: Despite all Naruto’s masculine bravado, Sakura clearly wore the pants in the relationship. SAKUNARU, CRACK


**Great Expectations**  
in which_  
Sakura likes to be in charge._

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**--Warning!--**  
This is very serious. Watch out.

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It happened one morning, catching Naruto completely off guard.

The feeling at the back of his throat was growing. It was a strange sensation, one that Naruto wasn't entirely familiar with, and when his mouth suddenly felt wet he knew he had to make it as quickly as he could – to something.

That something turned out to be a white, porcelain bowl, where he spent many a hours contemplating the mysteries of life. His hands cupped around the edges, he vomited the ten servings of ramen he'd had the night before until all he had nothing left. He stared forlornly at the once beautiful ramen. It didn't taste as good going the other way but that didn't mean he loved it any less.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he rose from his position on the ground. His mouth felt nasty. In the middle of brushing his teeth, Sakura walked in and made a face at the smell.

"Naruto," she said, pinching her nose and waving her hand around as if to dispel the odor. "Did you throw up?"

Naruto nodded sadly and confirmed with a dejected, "All my ramen."

The pink-haired girl placed a hand on his arm to rub it up and down. It didn't make Naruto feel any better when he thought of all that wasted ramen.

"Maybe it was food poisoning?"

The suggestion nearly made Naruto choke on his toothbrush. He rounded on the girl, brandishing his toothbrush at the other, who held up both hands to try and calm him down. It was a useless gesture; by then, Naruto was frothing from the mouth (albeit from the toothpaste and not rage) as he growled out, "Don't you dare talk about Ichiraku like that."

Sakura just shrugged before walking back out. It wasn't a fight she cared to have and left it at that. Naruto resumed brushing his teeth and tried to proceed with the rest of his day like it was any other despite feeling lazier than usual.

The second time it happened, Naruto was only slightly less prepared, if only because this time he was slightly groggy from the beers he'd had beforehand. As he stared down at the remnants of the ramen disappear along with the swirling water, he couldn't help the tear that slipped down his cheek.

The third time it happened, Naruto just knew something was wrong and he was dead sure he knew exactly what it was. He could feel it in his bones. All the signs were there. Wiping his mouth dry again, he decided on a little impromptu visit to Tsunade so he could test his theory out.

Tsunade, however, was not as receptive to the idea.

"Naruto, you're not pregnant."

The sudden turn-down was like a kunai to the heart.

"But how do you know?" Naruto whined. Wasn't she supposed to do some tests before she came to such a conclusion so confidently? Just what kind of doctor was she anyway? "You haven't even checked!"

"Naruto," the tone had very quickly gone from you're-annoying to you're-so-damn-annoying-I-am-one-second-away-from-punching-you-through-the-wall. "You are a man. Men cannot get pregnant. They just can_not_."

Naruto wasn't giving this one up.

"That's bullshit! Men also don't normally have demons living in their stomachs! If a demon can fit in there, I think a baby can pretty damn well fit in there too."

He thought it was sound logic. Absolute fool-proof. She probably couldn't say anything to that.

"It's not a matter of fitting, idiot." Naruto frowned at the insult. "For a baby to be conceived, you need the proper equipment."

Her embarrassingly favorite ninja shifted the pack situated at his side to the front so he could unzip it, revealing several kunais and scrolls inside with a satisfied grin. "And that's only the small stuff!"

She didn't even bother protecting her head from the fall straight to the desk, hoping that the collision would knock her unconscious so she wouldn't have to deal with the moron.

"Hey, old hag, you okay there?" Not missing a beat, he dodged the book that came flying in his direction.

"You can't get pregnant!"

And it was back to square one.

"But how do you _know_? How can you be so sure?"

Tsunade decided a different approach. One that would hopefully deter the blond moron until the sake kicked in. She pulled out a pen and paper and began. "So, you've been throwing up every morning?"

"Duh, that's why I'm here."

"Don't be rude, brat," she scribbled some gibberish on the paper. "Okay, have you been having backaches?"

Naruto thought about it for a second. "Actually, I have. Sakura was really rough the other day."

Tsunade waved the explanation away with a hand. Details she wasn't interested, though Naruto didn't have to know that. She went on.

"Have you been feeling lethargic?"

"What?"

"Tired?"

Again, he pondered the answer before replying, "Um, yeah. The first day especially. Just didn't have my normal energy, you know?"

More details she didn't care about.

"Have you been craving any food?" Naruto's mouth opened. "Other than ramen?" Naruto's mouth promptly shut. Victory. "Are your breasts feeling tender?"

"What?!" This time Naruto was indignant. "I don't have breasts!"

Bingo.

"Then you're not pregnant."

With an air of finality, she clicked her pen closed and slid the paper she had been taking fake notes on to the side.

"That's discriminatory!"

"Listen here!" The woman announced, rising from her chair suddenly. She was going to kill this boy with her bare hands for making her do this. "We are going to have a little lesson. An anatomy lesson."

She walked to her bookshelf and pulled Jiraiya's last Icha Icha novel, the rare illustrated version. The only reason it was there because the perverted moron had put it there for her, she had explained. No one questioned her. At least, no one alive had questioned her about it.

With book in hand, she beckoned for Naruto to come closer, which he did apprehensively. Once near enough, she splayed the book out onto her desk, opening it to the raunchiest image she could find.

"Do you see these here," she pointed at the two mounds on the woman's chests, ignoring Naruto's perverted giggle and slight reddening of the face. "These are breasts. Which you would need to feed your baby. They are nature's way of making sure a human _woman_ can provide food for her child."

"And this," she said, moving her finger down to the man's penis, standing in all its glory, posed for its grand entrance into the woman's vagina, "is what you need to spread the seed that will impregnate a woman. That seed must be shot into here," again, she slipped her finger to the woman's hole, tapping it in place as if to emphasize her point.

"Are you following all this?" She wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't.

Naruto was silent, staring with far too much intensity at the image. After a moment, he looked at her.

"What if a woman does it to the man?"

Tsunade was losing every last bit of her patience with him. For all future encounters, even. "What. Do. You. Mean."

Not noticing the tone, Naruto continued with such honest curiosity Tsunade almost – _almost – _felt bad for being so short with him, "I mean, if a girl puts it in the man instead of the other way around. Can't he get pregnant then?"

Tsunade stared down at the image she had presented to him, trying to figure out how to make it anymore clearer than that. The woman in the image certainly didn't have a penis, so why was Naruto even wondering. Had he really been corrupted beyond all redemption already?

She decided to explain it as gently as possible: "Women don't have dicks."

But it just didn't seem to faze him. His expression became thoughtfully curious, but his words were absolutely baffling, "Sakura does."

Silence. Tumbleweeds blew past.

"What?"

"Well, I mean, not all the time. She takes it off when we're done."

More silence. A few more tumbleweeds.

"What?

"Hokage-same, I brought the reports for you," in walked the pink-haired girl then, with her eyes on the papers in her hands. When only silence met her, she looked up to find Tsunade with her mouth open, staring at her as if she'd grown another head. Feeling self-conscious, she subtly scratched at her shoulder and breathed a mental sigh of relief when she felt nothing there.

"Sakura," came the sing-song voice of her lover. He bound over to her and grabbed her arm to pull her unresisting to the older woman. "Help me explain to this old hag that I'm pregnant!"

Sakura jerked her arm out of his hold to stare at him wide-eyed, "Tell her you are _what?_"

"Pregnant!" he replied chirpily, as if it were just another little fact of the world, nothing ground-breaking or earth-shattering at all.

"Why," she hesitated, not sure if she wanted to know the answer. She cleared her throat that was suddenly dry when her eyes flicked to her teacher, still staring at her open-mouthed. She should close that thing before it was too late. "Why do you think you're pregnant?"

"Because," Naruto explained. "All the signs are there. And then the old hag here showed me this."

He proudly held up Jiraiya's book open to the image Tsunade had been using to explain the birds and the bees. Not very well, apparently.

"It's like me and you," except where his finger should have gone from the man to the woman, instead it went from the woman to the man.

Sakura laughed awkwardly, nervously.

"What are you talking about?"

"I was just telling Tsunade how we did this with your removable dick. The dick is what makes you pregnant," he told her with an air of awe, slightly surprised she didn't already know. It was amazing that a medically trained ninja never learned such a thing. "It's okay if you didn't know. I don't blame you for not using protection."

As if that would make her feel better. Instead, Sakura knew her face was the same color as her hair. She didn't think it would ever return to its normal color judging by the look on Tsunade's face. She would never live this down and she just knew, just _knew_, everyone would know. That did it.

Fisting her hand, she turned menacingly towards her blond idiot of a lover. "NARUTO!"

Naruto disappeared into a little star in the universe through a newly formed hole in the wall.

Tsunade stared after it, impressed despite herself. She had taught her student well.

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**Extra!**

That night, after Naruto had returned from his trip to outer space, he lay on the bed, clutching his stomach with a look of misery on his face as he stared at his girlfriend, "I think you gave me a miscarriage, Sakura."

Sakura didn't seem bothered by that at all. She was a little preoccupied with strapping on the biggest dildo she had.

"Don't worry, Naruto," she said as she oiled it up with a smile. Naruto wasn't sure he liked the glint in her eyes.

"We can make many more."

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**--A/N--**  
Woah, I actually don't have anything to say. Crap.  
But I don't think it's that hard to figure out what I'm making fun of.


End file.
